Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
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I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.