Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
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Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.