I am HOWLING at this
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them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?