She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
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HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Message from the dog groomers
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I’m listening
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
i can’t wait that long
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.