I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
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[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Woke up with morning Yule Log
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”