“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
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After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
You are not alone 💚
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Just a reminder, folks:
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”