Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
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Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.