The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
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You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
#Caturday
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
“I FIXED IT!”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.