Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
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If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell