Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
You Might Also Like
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
won’t smith
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.