Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
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*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person