My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
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I identify as an antique shop.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!