[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
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me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.