Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
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If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way