#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.