Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
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Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.