Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
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I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.