My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
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waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
i baked you a cake
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks