i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
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I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Flowers bee like
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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