If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
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Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Monday
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.