My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
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Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
They’re on their honeymoon
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.