I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
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I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*