Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
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My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.