Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
You Might Also Like
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.