me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.