He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
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I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed