I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.