Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
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I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.