Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
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SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
happy friday