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me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.