♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
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caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”