her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
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the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.