I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
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Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
#Caturday
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.