“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
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When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
This probably isn’t good
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
bought wrong eggs
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Hmm, not sure about this change
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started