“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
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Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.