Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
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Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead