Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
You Might Also Like
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Mad Max Arctic Road
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”