Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
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Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
“Why you watching this shit?”
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.