Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
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how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”