Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
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Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.