THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
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The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
gm
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Not all heroes wear capes.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Thursday Thought.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I ate everything, including the H.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.