Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
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You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.