If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
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My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
This rocks
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.