Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
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I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Comparing yourself to others
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps