If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
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Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
the answer was staring at me all along
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
(Musicians.)
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*