Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
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Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
The real reason evolution started..😂
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches