Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
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ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much