It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
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What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.