[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
You Might Also Like
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Oh boy, $150,000!
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?