“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
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BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?